family

an unfolding, brilliant, fragrant flower... family.

some days i hog solitary space. i isolate myself, becoming a sole observer of the human species.

other days i chase after human embrace. a selfish-bred woman i give when i want and take what i need. how many silent tears have been shed on account of my withdrawal? my silence?

should i always be offering of myself? when is it okay to be alone?

for this very reason, the concept of family has always slightly eluded me. like a beautiful flower out of reach. one i'm not sure i want to uproot -- i just like to look at it. for once it's uprooted, it starts to fade. yet perhaps i need to 'pluck' the chance.

it's a pain i don't necessarily want to feel. a need i don't want to admit. but deep down, i am nothing without it. for the sake of myself, and for the sake of my mother, my father, my sisters and my brother, i need to pick the flower and smell it deeply.

like Jesus said, we have to die to ourselves. perhaps, in plucking the flower, and in letting it fade, we are truly becoming what Christ desires. others-focused. self-avoiding.

(emily)